Abuse of Sexuality

I got the opportunity to chat with Tina Anderson and Mandy Miller today and one of the many things we talked about was sexual abuse within the cult.  We talked about being silenced after trying to tell someone about the abuse and the fears that nag at the back of your mind as an adult.  We talked about how difficult it is to find people who understand the dynamic of being an abuse victim in the cult and being glad for those people who can’t understand.   As always, it got me to thinking…

Though the sexual abuse of children runs rampant throughout the IFB, something that came to mind is how most girls growing up in such an atmosphere end up with sexual dysfunction of some kind whether they were molested/raped or not.  Many of the post-traumatic stress symptoms overlap.   While talking, Mandy commented that though not all of us have been abused sexually, almost all of us have had our sexuality abused.  Through constant lectures about modesty, being forced to take responsibility for ‘keeping men’s thoughts pure’, putting up with ridicule if boys or men took ‘inappropriate interest’ in us, taught to believe that any kind of sexual interest was from the ‘pit of hell’ and so on, cast such a poor light on the image of the female body many women developed an extreme fear of men and sex.  For some, the fear is so overwhelming that even though the ideal dream was to grow up, get married to an up and coming preacher boy and raise a house full of children, the thought of ‘giving one’s body’ to her spouse was as disgusting to her as it was to sexual abuse and rape victims.

Being a survivor of sexual abuse is devastating.  On the outside however, when we start to share our stories there is validation, help and support.  People empathize with our pain, join us in our anger and encourage us in our quest for healing.  But what about all those who have had sexuality abused without having been abused sexually?  How many women carry around these deep wounds and believe it’s not important enough to talk about or seek help for?  And how many people, aside from IFB survivors are able to understand the dynamic behind the lies women have believed for so long?

Since Mandy and I met, she has shared with me her fear of men and the panic she experienced every time she would consider getting married and having children.  She wants a family, but can’t get past a nagging belief that submitting to a husband would set her up for spousal rape.  Submission to the husband is set up as a type of submission to God.  I heard many sermons on the subject growing up.  From the moment we were old enough to understand, we were conditioned to blindly accept the fact that once married, the head of the household’s word was law.  So to refuse to sexually satisfy him would be to refuse a command from God. 

Survivors all across the country are breaking free from the religious aspects of the cult and finding tremendous freedoms!  But how many, though free from legalism and spiritual abuse, are still trapped because of the lies about sexuality?  It’s not an easy subject do discuss.  Even after gaining a solid understanding that so much of what we were taught was a pack of lies, discussing any type of sexual dysfunction usually brings with it shame, guilt and fear.

About a year ago, Jocelyn started calling the IFB a sex trafficking ring.  The way pedophiles are protected and shuttled from one place to another to avoid discovery and “damage the cause for Christ”, she’s absolutely right.  But I’ve come to believe it goes much deeper.  The destruction of women’s sexuality not only opens children up for abuse, but women and wives as well.  By abusing an individual’s sexuality, she is being groomed for sexual abuse; as silenced child or as a submissive wife. 

“No Excuses Now, God”

I was lately reading a blog written by a former Christian who is now an atheist. In the blog she described the struggle she went through in her faith. These words got me talking to Kylee to think through some hard questions.

For years I had been patching my Christian faith together, as I like to say, with duct tape and bailing wire. My beliefs had become more and more idiosyncratic as I tried to hold together the lot of moral and rational contradictions that make up born-again, Bible-believing Christianity. Now, finally, after two decades of warping my feelings, perceptions and intellect to defend the absolute goodness of the Christian God, I got mad. I said to the god in my head, "I’m not making excuses for you anymore. I quit." And just like that, God was gone. All that was left was the frame of tape and wire: empty excuses, rationalizations and songs of worship that sounded oddly flat.  http://awaypoint.wordpress.com/2010/11/05/getting-god%E2%80%99s-self-appointed-messengers-out-of-your-head/

I have a personal relationship with God; I am a person of faith.  I left a sect of Christianity that is beyond simply conservative and I believe was a cult, but I also believe that I found God while I was there. There was somewhat of a crisis of faith as I was leaving, while I was thinking through which rules I should keep or leave behind, etc.  I like to think that God helped me through it. 

How does a God that is all-powerful, all-knowing, all-goodness, kindness, and love fit with what we see in the world???  How does that fit with what we see in the bible of his anger, judgment, etc???  How do I look at the world as is and still manage to see a loving God at work?

I am not interested in making excuses for God, if I need to make excuses for him than he’s not big enough to be God anyway.  I’m not interested in shoving these questions under the rug, if my faith can’t stand up to questions then it’s not a real faith and deserves to be torn down.

I’m taking these age-old, faith shattering questions directly to God, humbly, honestly asking, and seeing if I am given a meaningful response.  I was talking to my friend, Melanie, about her 9 year old cousin who died of cancer 22 years ago.  I was familiar with the story, and it’s been long enough since, that she was ok with indulging my asking of some hard questions. “How explain a loving God allowing a 9 year old to die of cancer?” Her response was, “It was the best God could do in a fallen world.”  I said, “Really?!? An all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving God allows a child to die, and wounds the parents who trust Him, but it’s the best he can do? Really?!? There’s nothing else he could have done? Now, I do believe that through Bret’s passing some people were brought closer to God, but I think that’s the best God could do after the fact.”

The more I watch the world, the more I learn of God, the more I believe that God created this corner of the universe to exist as a pocket in which he is not necessarily all-powerful or all-knowing.  I do believe in an all-powerful, all-knowing God, but also believe when he created mankind he gave us the ability to limit his abilities.  Maybe he got tired of knowing everything and wanted some spontaneity … aren’t we good for that, lol.  If he knew what I was going to think (feel/do) before I think (feel/do) it then is it really my thought (feeling/action)?  And if it’s His why punish us for it? If an all-loving God even punishes in the way we’ve been taught He does.

I believe in the supernatural. I actually believe that the supernatural is supposed to be the normal and that the world we live in is subnormal because we don’t recognize or make room for the supernatural to happen.  

Well, enough questions for the moment...  back to the truck!

Diamonds in the ruff?

Mandy and I were talking earlier and she was trying to help me see past some of the scars on my soul.  Part of doing that had her telling me that the farther away from IFB teaching she gets, the more clearly she sees herself in “the mirror”.  She told me she’s finding peace with herself the more she sees God the way the Bible says He is.  As is often the case, I was confused and asked her to explain.

The Bible talks about having created man in God’s image.  It says, male and female, He created them both.  So, if we are God’s image, then He must embody both genders, right?  Then she said, if God embodies both genders, why do we think it matters so much how we love?  Good question!  I was following her train of thought, so she continued.

“Let’s take God out of the picture for a sec” she said to me.  “Jesus came to the earth preaching love.”  He broke the religious rules of the time because he cared for and about people.  Preaching love and compassion and doing good ended up getting Him killed.  Bringing God back into the picture, Jesus said all the commandments could be broken down into 2; love God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself.  Then she told me “this command is a circle.  The more you love God, the more you can love yourself and love others.  The more you can love yourself, the more you can love God and others, and the more you can love others, the more you can love yourself and God.  Strange how that works, but I think she’s on to something.

Mandy then said to me that she thinks the IFB and most religion in general have this whole “Christianity thing” backward.  All our lives we were taught we are diamonds in the rough and that it is our job to let God take us, cut away all the parts that don’t belong and shape us into a perfect and beautiful gem.  But if we think of our creation in that way, it means God created something that wasn’t perfect to begin with, doesn’t it?

When the world was first created, it was perfect, right?  Everything God created, He said was good.  Then humans came along and broke the creation.  She told me she believes “what this broken world does breaks God’s heart, so the idea of His Son dying to fix what has been broken wasn’t as painful to Him as it was to watch us in daily pain”  That’s an overwhelming thought.  God has perfect eyes, so from our birth, He sees the priceless gem He created, before our parents and the world had a chance to cover us in dirt and filth (sin if you will).  When Jesus died, He gave us the tools to scrape all that junk off and see the truth of our creation.

For me, that thought begs another question:  If the world is broken, and we’re born into something broken, does God really expect us to live as though we had the perfect creation like Adam did?  Is God so unreasonable He expects the impossible from us?  After all, that’s what the IFB does!  But God knows what He created, and what kind of world we live in.  He already sees us as the perfect gem He created, and not what we can do for or give to Him.  Therefore, nothing the world does can change God’s view of how He created us, because He can see through dirt and filth!

So if God can see through the dirt and crap, why do we refuse to?  Jesus died to take away the monster we see in the mirror.  His death gave us back our original value.  He purchased our guilt, shame, worthlessness and every other emotion we use to look at ourselves negatively.  The more we allow Jesus to take with Him those things He paid for; we can begin to see past the mask the IFB has forced us to wear.   Living in the dirt and muck the world created for us has put the ‘rough around the gemstone’ but hasn’t destroyed the truth of what’s really there.  Our real challenge then becomes to strip away the muck, and surround ourselves with people who will help the true brilliance shine forth.